Learn How to Recognize Abuse and How to Help

Unfortunately, anyone can end up being a victim of domestic violence. That’s why it’s important to recognize the behaviors that define it.

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What is domestic violence?

The US Department of Justice identifies domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior in relationships in which one partner works to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.

Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship. This includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. There are many ways in which domestic abuse can manifest.

Any or all of these types of violence/abuse may occur in domestic violence situations. See below for more details on each type of violence.

Image credit: National Domestic Violence Hotline

What does financial abuse look like?

Financial abuse can take on many forms but generally involves a partner using money or finances to keep another partner trapped in a toxic and abusive relationship. It is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. In fact, the National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that financial abuse occurs in about 99% of all reported cases.

The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in general, include tactics to conceal information, limit the victim’s access to assets, or reduce accessibility to the family finances.

Other examples may be:

• One partner isn’t allowed to work outside of the home.
• Partner is not allowed to have money or access to money.
• Partner receives a limited allowance.
• Partner’s credit score is damaged by the abuser so they cannot find housing on their own.

Financial abuse – along with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse – includes behaviors to intentionally manipulate, intimidate, and threaten the victim in order to entrap them in the relationship. In some cases, financial abuse is present throughout the relationship, and in other cases, financial abuse becomes present when the survivor is attempting to leave or has left the relationship.

What does physical abuse look like?

Physical abuse is perhaps the most recognized sign of domestic violence. The United Nations identifies physical abuse as anything that involves hurting or trying to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking, burning, grabbing, pinching, shoving, slapping, hair-pulling, biting, denying medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use, or using other physical force. You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner:

• Damages property when angry (throws objects, punches walls, kicks doors, etc.).
• Pushes, slaps, bites, kicks or strangles you.
• Abandons you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
• Scares you by driving recklessly.
• Uses a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
• Forces you to leave your home.
• Traps you in your home or keeps you from leaving.
• Prevents you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
• Hurts your children.
• Uses physical force in sexual situations.

What does sexual abuse look like?

Sexual assault involves unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators often using force, making threats, or taking advantage of victims not being able to give consent. The American Psychological Association says immediate reactions to sexual assault may include shock, fear, or disbelief. Long-term symptoms may include anxiety, fear, or posttraumatic stress disorder. Sexual harassment involves conduct of a sexual nature that is unwelcome or considered offensive, particularly in the workplace.

What does coercive control look like?

Coercive control is identified as a pattern of oppressive behavior intended to control someone and strip away their sense of self. In addition to physical and emotional abuse, coercive control can include:

• Isolation tactics, such as making you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family
• Depriving you of basic needs, including using sleep deprivation
• Stalking you or monitoring your whereabouts, activities or communication with others
• Interrogating you about what you do, who you talk to, etc., when your partner isn’t around
• Limiting access to finances and other financial abuse strategies
• Humiliation, name-calling and other types of verbal abuse
• Threats of violence against you, your loved ones or your pets
• Other types of threats, including saying they’ll report you to police, publish revenge porn or, if you’re an undocumented immigrant, have you deported
• Damaging your home or property
• Guilting you into doing things you don’t want to do, such as cancelling plans, quitting a job, having sex, etc.
• Gaslighting

What is a healthy relationship?

Healthy relationships are made up of respect, honesty, trust, and communication. Women’s Advocates call healthy relationships “a partnership that still allows each party to maintain their independence and ability to make decisions.”

Healthy relationships are based upon economic equality (the freedom to make decisions regarding work, money, school, and other financial matters), emotional honesty, sexual respect, and physical safety.

A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner are:

Communicative: You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions.

Respectful: You value each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs, and give each other the freedom to be yourself and be loved for who you are.

• Trusting: You believe what your partner has to say and don’t feel the need to “prove” each other’s trustworthiness.
• Honest: You’re honest with each other but can still keep some things private.
• Equal: You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standards. You and your partner have equal say about major decisions within the relationship. All partners have access to the resources they need.
• Setting boundaries: You enjoy spending time apart, alone, or with others. You respect each other’s need for time and space apart. You communicate with each other about what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
• Practicing consent: You talk openly about sexual and reproductive choices together. All partners always willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what you are and aren’t comfortable with.
• Parenting supportively: All partners are able to parent in a way that they feel comfortable with. You communicate together about the needs of the child(ren), as well as the needs of the parents.

What should I do if I suspect domestic abuse is happening?

If you suspect that someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, it’s crucial to take action and support them in a safe and empowering manner. Advocacy groups like NO MORE says bystanders play a vital role in recognizing and addressing domestic abuse, and their intervention can make a significant difference in someone’s life.

When you suspect someone may be experiencing domestic abuse, it’s important to approach the situation with sensitivity, empathy, and respect for their autonomy. Here are some steps you can consider taking as a bystander:

• Educate yourself: Familiarize yourself with the signs and dynamics of domestic abuse to better understand the complexities involved. Recognizing the different forms of abuse, such as emotional, physical, or financial, can help you provide appropriate support.
• Safety first: Prioritize the safety of the potential victim and yourself. If you believe there is an immediate threat to their life or well-being, contact emergency services without hesitation.
• Listen and validate: Create a safe and non-judgmental space for the person to share their experiences, should they feel comfortable doing so. Listen actively, validate their feelings, and avoid placing blame or minimizing their experiences.
• Express concern: Express your concern for their well-being and let them know that you are available to support them. Assure them that you are there to listen, believe them, and help without forcing them to take any actions they may not be ready for.
• Encourage professional help: Suggest seeking professional assistance from organizations or helplines specializing in domestic abuse. Provide them with relevant resources, such as hotlines or local support services, ensuring they understand the confidential and supportive nature of these resources.
• Respect their choices: Recognize that individuals experiencing abuse may not be ready or able to leave the situation immediately. Respect their decisions, even if they differ from what you might consider best. It is essential to maintain their trust and autonomy throughout the process.

When should I intervene?

Intervening in cases of domestic abuse can be a delicate matter. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center says it’s crucial to consider the following points before taking direct action:

• Assess the risk: Evaluate the potential risks involved in intervening directly. Confronting an abuser without careful consideration may escalate the situation and endanger the victim or yourself.
• Seek guidance from professionals: If you believe immediate intervention is necessary, consult professionals who specialize in domestic abuse, such as helplines, support services, or law enforcement agencies. They can provide guidance on the best course of action based on the specific circumstances.
• Document evidence: If you witness or become aware of any instances of abuse, consider documenting relevant information, such as dates, times, descriptions, or photographs. This documentation may be valuable should the victim decide to involve legal authorities or support services.

Remember, your role as a bystander is to offer support, information, and resources while respecting the victim’s autonomy. By being proactive and compassionate, you can make a positive impact and potentially help someone escape an abusive situation.

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